Useful Tips

Toxic relationships: friends and relatives you need to say goodbye to


Of course, a person should rest at home! The house is its rear, its fortress! But, unfortunately, there really are times when you don't feel like going home just because you get more annoyed there than anywhere else.

And the point is not that you are not welcome there. You, most likely, are absolutely sure of exactly the opposite: all members of the family are extremely kind to you. The whole thing, let us assume, is in you! Your homework annoys you, any talk with them gets on your nerves, life does not make you happy! The latter, by the way, may have nothing to do with your mood: it is quite possible that the house itself is very comfortable, cozy and, perhaps, even rich!

But back to our question: what do you do? After all, a house is not a job, you can’t just get away from there. Obligations to a husband or wife, to children will not allow you to decide on changes, and perhaps you don’t want them at all. However, something needs to be done so that your attitude towards the house and to everyone who lives with you in it changes.

Find a source of irritation

The first thing you need to do is try to determine at what exact moment you start to get nervous: on the way from work or school, as soon as you cross the threshold of the house or after some words or certain actions of the household. How to do it? Observe your mood for a week, do not be too lazy to build a "mood chart" on a ten-point scale.
How to make it? On the horizontal line mark the hours that you are at home: for example, from seven in the evening to seven in the morning. On a vertical line - a scale of ten points. Suppose you have a wonderful mood at seven o’clock in the evening - mark “ten” points, worsened somewhat at eight o’clock - put a rating of “seven”, completely fell by nine o’clock in the evening - “zero”! After ten, you “exploded”, that is, shouted at your loved ones - your mood went “minus”! You can observe your emotional state not only during the hours when you are at home, but throughout the day. If you often have outbursts of anger at work, then most likely your home and your relatives have nothing to do with it - you have such a hot temper! If the graph stubbornly shows that your mood deteriorates only during those hours when you are at home, then we are looking for reasons there. Perhaps your loved ones, unwillingly, do create difficult conditions for you. Let's try to find possible sources of irritation and identify ways to eliminate them.

You work all day in a room where it is very noisy. It is clear that after work you want to enjoy the silence. However, the general sound background of your house prevents you from relaxing: the TV is working, family members are talking loudly, the rumble of transport is heard outside the window. Will you be right if you require your family to turn off all sources of noise when you appear or put on headphones, not to pester you with conversations, and change windows in the future? Absolutely!

You like fresh air, and one of the family members is afraid of drafts and closes the windows. On a subconscious level, the stuffiness in the room starts to annoy you. At the same time, you make comments on a completely different matter - you cannot demand that your loved ones risk their health by opening windows in the cold season. Is it possible to find a compromise in such a situation? Your family may go to another room or kitchen for some time so that you can enjoy the fresh air.

Lack of good sleep

You do not rest at night, despite the fact that you have a beautiful bedroom. The reason is this: you are afraid to offend your spouse, admitting that he (or she) is preventing you from sleeping! Your “second half” snores loudly or sleeps, spreading over the whole bed. You begin to get irritated in the evening, because on a subconscious level you already know: you won’t get enough sleep at night again! Is it possible to break the family tradition of sleeping on the same bed if you cannot fully relax at night? A loving person will definitely understand you!

Endless talk

You treat your spouse (or spouse) very well, love children, but their conversations after a working day tire you terribly: they do not allow you to focus on your thoughts, take stock of the day, or plan things for the next day. If you abruptly stop talking with them, you think they will be offended. Therefore, you support the conversation through your teeth, experiencing a terrible irritation inside that you are not left alone for a minute. Is there a way out of the situation? Sure! Make it clear to your household that, despite all your love for them and respect, for example, from seven to nine in the evening you do not want to talk to anyone. Your loved ones, quite possibly, will even be grateful to you for this: you will feel better, you will not exude negative energy around you caused by irritation.

Taste difference

Another possible source of negative attitude towards the house: every day your spouse (or spouse) watches certain films or programs that get on your nerves a lot. At the same time, you cannot deprive them of the right to watch what is interesting to them and to impose their taste. But you can buy yourself soundproof headphones or just leave the house for the duration of the program or movie so as not to encounter factors that annoy you.

Don't like color

Irritation can also occur due to a certain color scheme of the house. For example, your room has a good repair, no comments on the interior. It only turned out that the pale blue color of the wallpaper does not calm you down, as it was supposed, but, on the contrary, terribly unnerving! Or, what can also be, pastel tones act, in contrast to the generally accepted opinion about their neutrality, depressing. For example, you would feel more comfortable in a room painted in rich, dark colors.

Smelling can play a role too

Not only colors, but also smells can affect our mood. And, of course, every apartment, every house has its own smell. Floral aromas, smells of perfumes, cleaning products, and kitchens - everything is mixed at the end of the day into one “bouquet”. If you notice such a "weakness" as irritation due to smells at home, then you need to try to neutralize them with special means. If this does not help, then it is probably worth throwing out some flowers, perfumes or powders and asking the household not to cook certain dishes in your presence.

To make it good at home ...

As you can see, irritation, a bad mood can be defeated if you find the cause of the latter. Perhaps you will have to seek compromises, your homework - to make some concessions, however, we think they will agree to this! Indeed, when all households are in a good mood, then peace and harmony reign in the family and no one wants to leave their native walls as soon as possible.

We talked only about the reasons that lie beyond the boundaries of personal relations between family members. If at home a specific person “infuriates” you, and you cannot change your attitude towards him, then your case is more complicated. And perhaps you really should leave for a while, in order to understand whether you need to continue to live under the same roof in the future or whether the decision to leave is more honest!

Signs of Toxic People

Everyone in the environment has “friends” who are actually more like enemies. They say nasty things, blame, manipulate, impede the achievement of important goals ... At the same time, for some reason they are sure that they tell you the "truth" that they are great. No, if someone tells the unsolicited truth, then this is a collision on the borders of another person. This is direct aggression and an attempt to assert oneself at your expense.

Each person has a certain “personal space” - a zone into which no one is allowed to enter. Well, or at least undesirable. Another thing is that it is sometimes very difficult for us to define clear boundaries and protect them. Just like not violating strangers. But learning this is not so difficult.

Look carefully around. Who draws energy from you and spoils your mood, without giving you in return either gratitude, joy, or kind word? Very often these are elderly relatives or relatives of the husband.

Imagine a situation: a relative is ill and needs care. You can help her by paying for a professional caregiver, but you do not have to personally endure the unbearable nature and whims.

Or another example: a husband humiliates his wife, tries to prove to her that she is a fool and that her career does not shine. For the wife, this means one thing: the husband is her enemy, he treats her badly, he definitely does not love her, but with pleasure asserts himself at her expense. Why live with the enemy in the same family, from the point of view of human happiness, I do not understand.

Or, say, a mother who does not miss the opportunity to pin up. What to do? Very simple, mom must either re-educate, or turn on the “ignore” mode and stop communication. We must explain to my mother that you will no longer tolerate such an attitude. It’s important to clearly indicate the punishment: “Speak me nasty things - we don’t communicate with you for a month, mom. I will give money, but I will not tolerate how you humiliate me. I have one life, I want to live it happy. " Moms after turning on the “ignore” mode are very quickly re-educated.

And do not blame yourself for how much in vain. Mom didn’t tell the boss. So, he can control himself. She just as afraid to lose your favor, as she was afraid of the reaction of her leader. If she sees your resolve, she will behave perfectly. I am sure - a maximum of the third time. In fact, everything is very simple: when you are treated well - be friends, poorly - distance yourself.

On this topic, I recommend everyone to read a great book. Karen Pryor "Don't growl at the dog". In it, the author tells how to train unpleasant relatives so that they behave appropriately.

How to end a toxic relationship

I advise you not to break off relations in one sharp movement. This may cause you to "disassembly". It is enough just to start treating such people as indifferent as possible, to stop broadcasting anything to them. A stone face, restrained, or completely absent reaction and no reciprocity.

Stop calling them yourself. Answer their calls immediately: “Sorry, the phone will be discharged any minute, quickly say what you wanted to say.” If they call on business, then in a minute they will have time to say all the most necessary, will not spread their thoughts for half an hour, talking about their sores and country gossip. And if a person has nothing to do, then you just need to disconnect the connection - and not let him steal your time. Time is the most important resource in modern life, it is not permissible to waste it.

Many can be burdened by feelings of guilt, but you must understand that you are not required to communicate with “toxic” people. You have your own life, your children, your dream, your health. You should not spend these resources on people who treat you badly. It is their fault that they did not learn to be pleasant, to be grateful, did not learn to exchange. It is their own choice to “vampire” and draw resources from those around them.

The most interesting thing is that as soon as you make such a decision in your head, surprisingly, toxic people themselves disappear from sight. It happened to me with many of my friends from childhood and adolescence. As soon as I estimated the scale of their envy, negativity and stopped thinking about them - they disappeared instantly.

Where to get new ones?

When a person is busy with his own business, his dream, people of his level, like-minded people are automatically drawn to him. True, it often turns out that even they are not particularly needed. An adult no longer has such a teenage desire to have many friends and pour hundreds of hours of time on them.

He always has a choice - to realize his dream at this moment, spend time with loved ones or spend energy on an empty talk, from which nothing will improve in life.

I am sure that you need to get rid of those with whom you feel bad. If you have good and faithful friends with whom you like to spend time, you can only be congratulated.